This seems as good a time as any to talk about myself; the issues I’ve been having with my life, my health, and all that jazz.

So we’ll start with life. It’s hectic as hell, and an unreasonable depression has made it hard to get motivated to do anything (except write, though I can't write anything for school, even my English class). I never want to get out of bed or leave the dark comfort of my room, I’m eating less and less but am somehow gaining weight, and I want nothing else than to drop out of school and begin working fulltime so that I can move out of my parents house and avoid the fighting and the suffocating dreariness. Everybody’s got their own problems, but I can’t seem to care about anything except… well, not caring. And writing. But as much as I want to get out of here, I fight with myself on a daily basis to get out of bed, study for my driver’s permit, get homework done, look for a job, and just do something with myself. But I’m also deathly afraid of that stuff, and of growing up in general. It’s a real drag. I just got into therapy for the second time in my. Professional help for teenage problems is one thing. Professional help for adult problems is another entirely. And coping has been extremely hard, but that’s all I’m doing. Coping. For whatever reason, I can’t get myself to actually try to solve these stupid problems.

My mental health isn’t too strong right now, but my physical health is even lower on the tragedy chart. Last Monday I had a standard checkup with my doctor and was caught off guard when she told me that I had chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), which is the first stage of emphysema. It’s very minor at the moment, surprising since I’m supposed to be at only sixty percent lung capacity, but here’s the catch: it’s progressive, incurable, and potentially fatal. It never goes away, but gets worse with asthma (which has been a serious handicap of mine since infancy) and smoking. Yes, I sparingly smoked Djarum Blacks for a while, and every Thursday I went to my hookah lounge. The only thing that slows this lung scarring thing down is exercise and the cessation of smoking. Problem is, asthma keeps me from exercising too much. And though I was never really addicted to the smoking I won’t deny that it took the edge off, and I miss it already.

I’ll be getting a second opinion, but it’s adding to the stress. And I was pretty scared before the apathy from my clinical depression kicked in again.

A little while ago said that if it weren’t for writing she’d have gone insane by now. I jokingly agreed. But it really is true.

Hanging in there
~ZS-M

So yeah, I'm two days late for Alexander's 24th birthday! Am I a terrible creator/mother or what? It's been a crazy week, and I'll discuss why a little later (I've got some bad news...). But if any character were to forgive me for this, it would be Alex, the sweetheart. And he'll definitely have to save my ass if I forget Jonathan's birthday next week!

Happy birthday, Alexander Williams!
How shall we celebrate?

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Another interview with . If you enjoyed the first one, feel free to take a look.

Do you believe, as does Wendell, that there’s no such thing as perfection?
We can get close to perfection, but too many differing opinions can lead to conflict, which makes for what I believe to be the exact opposite of perfection… That’s the blunt version of a very philosophical question, I know.

What makes Wendell want to protect his work from himself?
I chalk it up to not wanting any outside influences on his art. I think he wants his art to stand by itself as much as possible. And also, from the very beginning, I think Wendell has had trouble accepting himself for reasons he never understood. He doesn’t hate himself, but he doesn’t like himself either. He does like his work, though, even if he can’t see why others do.

Playing off the parallels I see between you and Wendell, do you also think people give you too much credit for your work?
I adore my fans. They’ve always been so encouraging and so kind and just genuinely awesome. Selfishly, I want to say I’d like more attention (don’t all writers?), especially since I want to one day have my work published. But I honestly couldn’t ask for better fans than the ones I have now. I love you guys!

Do you think one person can bring out the best in someone?
Well sure. There are a lot of elements that go into relationships of any kind, and people always come out of them different from how they went in. For better or for worse.

Why such a profound statement as, “I killed Jezebel Gibson”? Is this your hook for the story, or just a sort of shock value effect?
Of course anybody paying attention to the technical aspects of writing would recognize that as a hook for its shock-value. But it’s also important to the characterization. Wendell changes a lot throughout the course of the story (try comparing his character in the latest chapter to the man who walked into Paisley Decker’s office in the prologue and tell me what you see). It really was Wendell’s confession, a sort of warning of things to come.

Why did you describe Paisley’s appearance in one shot and leave Wendell’s appearance to be explained over many chapters?
Because Wendell’s evolution, as that of our main protagonist, is more important than anyone else’s. We get enough of an image from the first time we see him, but he’s changing, and that change is really what the story’s about. I’ve told some people that what I love most about the whole concept is that I get to make them relate to Wendell and really like him in the beginning, but by the end I think they’ll just hate themselves for ever feeling that way about him. But it’s important that all of that comes gradually, over time.

I’ve felt a very strong Fight Club vibe in your writing for the first sections of the story. Did you also feel this and, if so, are you pleased with it?
Not just Fight Club. When I first started writing Wendell I knew I wanted the same kind of voice that Chuck Palahniuk uses in all of his work, but I also wanted the voice to be a healthy blend of my own and, even better, Wendell’s. Hopefully it turned out well.

Has reading any of Chuck’s Palahniuk’s work influenced your writing? What about other literary figures?
If there was any writer whose influence I thought I could benefit from with a story like this, it was Palahniuk. But again, I wanted my own voice to speak through that influence. I haven’t read too many Palahniuk books (Fight Club, Diary, and Survivor), so I don’t think that style is too strong. I really like how the writing style in Wendell turned out.

What made you pick the Audioslave ringtone for Wendell?
Wendell struck me as an Audioslave fan. And when I actually had a timeline laid out and a better sense of his character, I thought the lyrics for “Like a Stone” fit him really well. There’s also some foreshadowing in those lyrics.

What other music do you think Wendell would be interested in listening to?
He loves Pearl Jam. That has yet to make it into the story, but it’ll get there eventually. I’ve actually had to learn more about that band. I never listened to them much before Wendell became a strong character. He’s got a thing for mellow rock, because bass guitar is his favorite instrument. So on one hand he’s very Pearl Jam and Audioslave, on the other he’s very Dave Matthews and Elvis Costello. Above all, he likes music that tells a story, not just “This is how I’m feeling cos I broke up with so and so.” Like Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy” and Elvis Costello’s “Watching the Detectives.”

Does music influence your writing at all?
Anybody who says music doesn’t influence their writing is a liar. Just having a certain song on in the background while you type can affect your mood, and that’ll show in your writing if you aren’t careful and consistent. I can personally say that melodies and lyrics are very inspirational at times.

Where does Wendell get his egotistical ‘eople should be grateful I give them the time of day’ attitude?
From his success, of course. And from the fact that even though he hates people so much, they love him for his work.

Do you ever see yourself attending conventions in the future and, if so, would you loathe them as much as Wendell?
I’d be thrilled by that kind of attention, even if it meant sitting and just signing autographs for hours. Does that seem shallow?

Hey everybody!

So I’m late with yet another birthday. Wendell Carmen’s big day on March 6th was overshadowed by my own trip to Disneyland. I love that place. Wendell hates it. So I left him alone.

In the meantime…

A near and dear friend of mine, who also just celebrated her birthday (that’s what the trip to Disneyland was for ), recently picked up my novel Wendell and has become quite taken with it. She’s also quite taken with me and whatever I have to say about my writing process and whatnot. So when she talked about wanting to write a bit of a forward for it, she asked for an interview. And I, completely flattered, agreed.

Go give her tons of love for being an awesome friend.

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WENDELL
Interview with


Where did you get the character names and is there any particular relevance in how and what you named the characters?
Names are always the last thing I think about when creating new characters. And when the time comes to pick a name, I go to babynames.com ([link]) and spend a while browsing around until I find something with a nice ring to it and a meaning that suits that character. For example, the name Wendell is a German name meaning “wanderer/seeker.” And Felix means “happy/prosperous.” Think about that, readers!

Why give Wendell a pseudonym?
The pseudonym does a couple things. First it emphasizes Wendell’s desire to separate himself from people and things he hates. He’s a pretty self-loathing guy sometimes. The pseudonym also helps readers relate, in a sense that we all wish we could be somebody different sometimes. Wendell's situation just let him take that want to a whole new level, and it turned into a serious conflict for him. It’s not unheard of for writers and artists to have a pen name anyway – at the very least, everybody here on dA has a pen name, yes? So it works. And finally… I mean come on! Felix Haydn is such an awesome name! There a lot of really good reasons that his having a pseudonym works for the plot. But really? Honestly? …I only came up with the idea of giving him a pen name when I couldn’t decide which name I wanted to give him, Wendell Carmen or Felix Haydn. I was completely torn and unwilling to let either name go. So I came up with a way to give him both. And it actually ended up being the best move I could have possibly made, considering how important Wendell’s identity crisis has become to the story.

Why does Wendell keep his real name even from his editor/agent?
It comes back to that self-loathing trait he has. And though he’s close to Paisley Decker, he refuses to think of it as anything but a business relationship. And the business in his life, which is rather all-consuming in his success, is run solely by the Felix Haydn half of his character.

There are many parallels between you and the main character. Did you intend for this, or did it just kind of happen without your recognition?
It actually just kind of happened. But as my stress get worse and worse, it became easier for me to understand Wendell. I consider myself to be a very ordinary person, and I also wanted Wendell to come off as ordinary, so it was easy to pick out more personality traits I thought he should have. But the biggest difference between me and Wendell is that he makes himself appear normal on purpose (even if he doesn’t realize it).

With today’s technology propelling the way authors write, do you think it’s important to ‘go back to basics’ and keep a journal?
Maybe I’m biased because I’ve never kept a diary or anything that personal. I don’t know how many other writers do, or how much it helps them. It might just be a personal preference. But I’d recommend it, just because that really nice technology might not always be at hand. For example, I’ve written a lot of stuff for my novels during class, when all I have is a spiral notebook. Plus, no matter how much machines take over, I’ll always love the feel of a basic pencil on paper. And I think a lot of passionate readers and writers feel the same. Wendell does too, come to think of it.

Have you ever kept a journal and, if so, did you ever place stories within the pages?
Again, I’ve never kept a diary. What I have are tons of notebooks where I scribble down ideas and verses and stuff like that. And it definitely helps keep me organized.

Would you ever consider hiring someone to draw Felix’s comic books?
Like a collaboration with a professional artist? Of course I would! I think it’d be an incredible experience and, assuming the novel Wendell ever gets popular, I also think fans would love it. It has already occurred to me to write out Felix’s work, but it wouldn’t be as effective as a whole graphic novel, since Felix story itself is a comic.

Would you want to write the dialogue for these comic books?
Yeah I would, just because I think I know my characters better than anybody else, and I’d know how Felix would write a graphic novel. But I’d always be open to suggestions, especially if it was a full collaboration.

Are there certain elements the comic books need to have in order to gain your approval?
No more so than regular novels. I read my fair share of comics from manga like Death Note and Fruits Basket to American comics like Batman and JTHM, and art styles and stories and writers will strike me, but I don’t appreciate comic books more or less than regular books. It’s all about the story, and if the story’s good that’s all I need.

As Decker says, “I just mean this story is… It’s pretty fucked up, Felix.” Do you feel like Wendell is a pretty fucked up story?
Not yet. But it will be. I mean, I’ve been sticking the chapters under the Horror category, but it’s not horror quite yet.

Are you scared by some of the thoughts you’ve had writing this, i.e. murder, animal abuse, etc.?
Nope. I mean, in reality that stuff bothers me, yeah, just like it bothers anyone else. But fiction is fiction, and entertainment is entertainment. It’s not, as famous writer/artist Jhonen Vasquez said in his comic Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, “a guidebook for damning yourself.” If I can get into the right mindset to write about that stuff, I’ll consider it a talent before a fault. Like acting, almost.

On Deviantart.com you call yourself a ‘wannabe writer’. Do you really think this about yourself, or are you trying to be modest?
Ah ah, no. I call myself a ‘wannabe novelist’ and that’s only because I have yet to finish a whole novel. I am a writer. And I’m proud to say so.

[link]

I realize that this little one-shot made a lot of people uncomfortable, when they considered the reality of it.

I just wanted to apologize to those of you who felt put on the spot. It was never meant to be a call for attention or sympathy. It was a much-needed expression of an issue that's been bothering me. And I appreciate every comment I got. The ones made in private, the simple emoticons... Hell, I even love that some of you were honest enough to tell me you were scared of reading it. I can understand and respect that level of discomfort - in a strange way it all helps me deal.

I'm sorry. And thank you.

Hi guys! This is the belated birthday celebration for our ol’ buddy Bade! He turned 96 on the second of this month! And like I promised, the mysterious vampire is here for a Q&A!

Now I’ve told him that he needs to keep some things secret (you understand how an author has that right, don’t you?), and he actually seemed pretty relieved. You can bet he wasn’t excited to be the first person to have to sit through these birthday interviews, and the last thing he wanted to do for his birthday was answer any invasive questions. But he agreed when I told him everybody would have to answer questions like this. After all, both Wendell and Alexander have birthdays in March! I'll see you all next time!

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Hello everyone. Some of you know me as Bade, the First Captain of the Ansel Vampires. It’s a pleasure to see you all here for my *ahem* birthday “celebration.” *Sigh* I’m sorry. This really was the last thing I wanted to do for my birthday. I would have been happy with an herbal tea. But I’m here, and we might as well make the best of it…

Some people have already asked a few questions, so we’ll start with those, shall we?

(From jon-com) So, Bade, tell us: how do you keep that sexy youthful appearance? Do you work out? Get facials? Or is it just in your blood -- so to speak?
~ I must be honest: if I take care with my appearance, it’s because Master Sicari wishes it. He doesn’t often bring it up, but I try to look professional for him, and for my fellows. The only thing I work on consistently, as an agent, is exercise. And when I do that I’m thinking of how to stay healthy, not how to look good. And whether or not it is in my blood… I don’t think anyone can say. This virus affects so many people so differently. Ultimately, I have little to think about aside from my career, which *blush* will never shift into any “filming” business…

(From Tyanite) What is Bade's emotional/past ties to Jonathan Sicari? What’s their relationship?
~ Goodness. That’s one hell of a question. And I have to tread carefully… I was human when I met Master Sicari on the night he was born, and his mother asked me to stay in his life (despite his father’s wishes). I watched and guarded from afar until Master Sicari’s parents had both passed. That was when he was only sixteen, but he had a plan for himself and his family, and I agreed to help him if it meant keeping my promise to his mother. I was Turned, and I have remained loyal, always guarding, ever watchful… Ours is a complicated history, to say the least, but Jonathan has been like my family since I first held him as a baby. And I’ve never wished for anything but his happiness.

(From LunaticStar) What human ages were Bade and Sicari turned? And do they count years in mortal years + etc, or just years as a vamp? 0.0
~ Do you think being a human or vampire makes three hundred and sixty-five days any longer or shorter? A year is a year. Vampires do usually live much longer, if they can manage to take care of themselves well enough. But each case varies. Jonathan was born a vampire, like his brother and sister, but his case is very particular - the virus originated in his family, and he's developed a strong resistence to it's effects. So he's practically healthy, aside from his need for blood and his slowed aging (Jonathan looks very young, but this year he will be turning sixty-nine). Now, I was not born a vampire, but I think I will always be as healthy as Jonathan. The vampire virus in me is almost as strong as the virus that ran in his family, since I was bitten by another Sicari when I was forty-three. That was back in 1956.

(Another one from LunaticStar) What in your life, if anything, has caused you to express love so unconventionally?
~ Expressing love has always been a challenge for me, but I have experienced a few situations where I could not help myself. The instance that comes to mind first is waking from my sleep after being bitten. It took a week for my body to adapt, and when I woke I remember feeling completely different. It was strange, to feel so different and yet exactly the same. But above all I knew that I was a vampire, just like everyone I had ever come to love. Knowing that, finally being welcomed into that... I had trouble keeping my composure then.

(From denlm) First you befriend an infant Jonathan, and then the boy. Do you think you have a father complex? Do you wish you had stayed human so you could have had babies of your own?
~ Firstly, vampires can have children. But those children will have the virus, and there are all sorts of complications that can arise, like miscarriages and still-births. Almost no one volunteers to take risks like that. Certainly no vampire in the Ansel community. Even women in the Sicari family, whose blood had adapted after generations of surviving the virus, were often crippled by it. Now, do I believe I have a father complex? I'm sure I do, and it's because of that that I try to avoid getting as close to others as I am to Jonathan. Donovan, of course, was an exception, given his circumstances. I often question it as a weakness; Jonathan has certainly made fun of me for it. But then again, it feels wonderful to care for someone in need. Having children of my own... *Sigh* I used to be the kind of romantic who waited for passion to strike, and I used to imagine raising children with the woman I loved. But Jonathan and his siblings became my children, and being with them has been... enough. Though I daresay it's rather ripped the romance out of me.

(My goodness, little devils slipping more than one question into this. Another from denlm) So do you think romance will come your way one day? (And are you doing anything to increase the odds of that happening?)
~ No no, I'm certainly not doing anything to find romance, or to even open myself to the possibility of it. What I have now is Jonathan... And my work. But they're the same, really.

Has it occurred to you that Jonathan's followers have become "pets" -- domesticated and tamed by his patronage? Maybe a good bite on someone's neck wouldn't hurt now and then.
~ Of course it's occured to me, but showing affection in such a way is Master Sicari's place, not mine. He's raised all his Ansel like pets and I doubt they realize it. In any case I'm not one to flaunt my vampirism. I just work with it.



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I WILL ONLY BE ACCEPTING QUESTION UNTIL THURSDAY MARCH 6